So, not going to lie, I totally bailed out on Daniel this past weekend. I just can’t care about dating anymore. I have been working like a maniac the past two months, and my career really seems to be taking off. Or is at least well on its way to taking off! I just don’t really have time for boys these days. Sigh.
Although on the bright side, this is helping me weed out the usual suspects (ie: the douchebags, the emotionally broken, the commitment-phobe, etc.). Being so wrapped up in my career is allowing me the freedom to be pickier with the men I date. Boredom and personal conquest have lead me in the wrong direction in the past. Not anymore! I have so little time for myself these days, that the last thing I want is to have to devote that time to someone else. This newfound freedom allows me to indulge in my own guilty pleasures: the gym, my friends, parties, sleeping sprawled out like a starfish across my bed—all of this screams FREEDOM! to me. I’m not ready to give myself to someone else yet, and that’s OK. I don’t have to be coupled up to be happy.
But, Jack DID ask me out on that second date. We’re going to see a movie on Friday night and I’ve decided that I’m going to sleep with him. A single girl on the go has got needs too, you know. As long as there are no strings.
Dinner with Daniel tomorrow night and movies with Jack next Friday!
Somehow I am managing to maintain some semblance of a love life while my career has been taking over my life. All good things, even though I am exhausted.
And, I am SO over it! I don’t know what this kid’s deal is, but it ain’t for me anymore. In fact, I feel completely pathetic for essentially throwing myself at him.
It’s not that anything really happened to change my mind, it’s just total emotional exhaustion in dealing with this weirdo King of Mixed Messages. Well, that, and also that his friend Bill mentioned to me today that he thinks he has awful taste in women. Apparently, the quiet, thoughtful, shy Jim has a thing for tall blondes with tattoos. There’s no way for me to ever compete with that freakshow.
Once I came to terms with that tonight I started to question my motivation for this whole crush in the first place. I think it might just be the appeal of wanting what I can’t have. I’m certainly not used to boys not being interested in me—I at least get to make out with them a few times before someone decides it’s not going to work out. At this point, I think I was maintaining interest in Jim as a personal conquest, rather than genuine interest. I’m throwing in the towel, forfeiting, admitting total defeat. I just don’t have it in me to care anymore.
Goodbye, Jim.
Jesse started text messaging me last night. I had sort of forgotten about him, with all the focus being on Jim recently. This was our exchange:
Him: Hey girl, how are you?
Me: Hi Dexter! How are you?
Him: Ha, I’m great, how art thou?
Me: I’m good! Got pretttty drunk tonight. (sidenote: This is true.)
Him: How fun!
3 minutes, no response from me.
Him: Where did the night take you?
Me: At a party. Hung out with random celebs all night!
Him: How bourgeoisie of you! We should paint the town red soon.
Me: HA, yes, very bougie! Painting the town red is my specialty. What’d you have in mind?
Him: How about dinner and drinks, super casual, super fun
I think I passed out at this point, so I didn’t respond back until this morning.
Me: I would love that.
We’ll see if it actually happens. He was very cute!
I had high hopes for Halloween. It was supposed to be the night that Jim finally kissed me. Although early on in the evening, it became quite apparent to me that that wasn’t going to happen. Especially when he told me that he promised a friend of his that he would go to a few parties with him, so “if (!) I make it, it’s going to be on the later side.” I was bummed. Later in the night when I had a few drinks in me, I started in with him again, trying to get him to come out to the big party in Brooklyn that I was at. Alas, Halloween was not our night.
I did however meet someone new. His name was Jesse and he was dressed up like Dexter, which I loved. We started talking, and he invited me to share a beer with him, which I did. He was super cute. Told me he works as a chef in Carroll Gardens and lives with his sisters in Kensington. We made out at the end of the night and he took my number before leaving (he had to be up early to cook for the brunch crowd).
And, Adam was back in town. Texting me a bunch at the beginning of the night.
I also ran into FUCKING MARK. He’s no longer just Mark, he’s FUCKING MARK from here on out. He found Lauren at the party and immediately asked her where he could find me (so she says). And, oh yes, he found me. He came over to me to say hi to me as if nothing was wrong and everything was cool between us. I gave him the cold shoulder. He eventually got the hint and skulked off. After everyone left, a bunch of us stayed behind to clean up. I was holding a ladder for our friend Shawna so that she could pop the neon lights back into place, when FUCKING MARK offered to take over for her. In the spirit of the evening I remained, holding the ladder for him as well. We exchanged some pleasantries and afterwards we stepped outside together (I’m not completely clear on WHY this happened, I was sort of drunk at this point). We started talking and I told him that I felt that we needed to talk about what had happened between us. He assured me that we did not. In fact, he flat out refused to talk about it at all, or even to acknowledge that it had happened. I know this is nothing new, and that I’ve been saying this from the beginning, but this boy is so emotionally unhealthy. I don’t know why I continue to try to think otherwise. He’s completely incapable of talking about real things, especially things that involve feelings. He just makes me so mad. It;s not anger so much as it is frustration. It’s hard to watch someone you once cared about self-destruct. I’ve had extensive experience in that department.
Today, I got a text message from FUCKING MARK that read: “Thanks for holding the ladder last night. Nice to see ya. I’m not mad at you. I have no energy for it. See ya around.” This text made me so mad! He continues to play this role of being the good guy, or at least what he thinks a good guy should be. I’m almost positive that he cares more about how everything he does appears to the outside world than the actual people he’s trying to engage with. There’s something so sad about the whole thing, really. Why can’t he just let it die? I DON’T WANT TO TALK TO HIM. I DON’T WANT TO SEE HIM. I DON’T WANT TO THINK ABOUT HIM. I’m not responding to his text. I’m keeping him at blocked status on gchat. And I’m going to start avoiding parties and functions where I think I might run into him. I just want him to disappear completely from my life. He always finds a way to bring me down, and I don’t want to allow him any more opportunities to do so.
Daniel and I have been texting each other since meeting our chance encounter on the subway on Monday. On Thursday evening he asked if I wanted to meet up for a drink in our neighborhood. I was exhausted after having been on set all day, but I agreed. I’ve been working so much lately, that if I don’t make that extra effort to have a social life, I definitely wouldn’t have one.
We met at a wine bar, and technically, this was the first time that we were really meeting each other. There were no words spoken between us on the subway that morning, and our only means of communication has been text message. He was just as cute as I remembered him being. We had a lovely time. Spoke mostly about work stuff, which is a conversation that I am quickly becoming tired of these days. Towards the end of the evening, we started to talk more about ourselves, our backgrounds, our families. The type of conversation more typical to dates. We closed down the wine bar and took a walk through the neighborhood. It was lovely. We parted ways with a hug and a plan to meet up again soon.
It’s not love, but it was nice.
Jim has been back as a regular player since he came to my Comix show earlier in the month. In fact, after that night, Jim had asked me if I wanted to collaborate on a few projects with him and his writing partner. I agreed.
So a few weeks ago, I started producing Jim’s live show at Comix. On his way to the venue, he called me and asked me if I would help him with his hair when we got there. I said of course. So in the middle of running around backstage and prepping for the show, Jim pulls me aside and kneels down with me in the hallway so that I ca do his hair. We were sitting facing each other, leaning into him so our heads were almost touching and running my hands through his hair. There is certainly an energy between us. He makes me so nervous, in a way I haven’t been with a boy in a long time.
Then after his Comix show, there was a second project I was helping him with, which we shot on Tuesday night. I helped them out wrangling props and wardrobe before the shoot, and then observed/assisted on set. When most of the talent had been wrapped out for the evening and we were just shooting a few more pick up shots, Jim taps me on the shoulder and says “Hey, come upstairs with me for a minute.”
As we walked together to the elevator bank, I asked him what was upstairs. He told me that he wanted to show me his desk, he wanted me to see where he worked. While waiting for the elevator, I turned around and could have sworn that I saw his friend and writing partner, Jon, making kissy faces at him. My heart was pounding! When we stepped into the elevator, I was almost positive that he was finally going to make a move on me (after months of sexual tension). He walked me over to his desk and we sat there and talked for a while. There was alot of nervous energy between us. Alot of seat-shifting, giggling. Lots of eye contact. We were totally alone; there was no one else working late on the floor. He could have kissed me if he wanted to. Could have thrown me down on his desk and had his way with me, but alas, that did not happen. If he was planning on making a move, he chickened out on me. And eventually we went back downstairs and rejoined the group.
If this kid doesn’t pin me up against a wall and make out with me soon, I don’t know what I’ll do. He told me that he is “100% coming” to this Halloween party we’re going to tonight, so maybe tonight will finally be the night that he doesn’t chicken out.
Had an appointment a few blocks from my apartment this morning, forcing me to take the 1 train to work today instead of my usual B/C commute. The 1 train is never fun. Similar to the 4/5/6, the 1 is insanely and uncomfortably crowded during rush hour. I was relieved when I managed to squeeze myself into a cozy spot near the door, relatively unmolested by everyone else on the train. I was adjusting the song on my ipod as I stepped onto the train, and as I slipped it back into my bag and looked up, I immediately locked eyes with an incredibly cute guy.
As we rode the train downtown together, we kept locking eyes. Eventually he smiled at me. I blushed and smiled back. As we started to near my stop, I considered doing something that I had never done before: giving a complete and total stranger my business card. I decided I HAD to do it. I didn’t want to let this opportunity go by without doing something, and as I got up to leave the train I thrust my card into his hand. At first he looked confused, then looked at the card and back up at me and smiled. The doors closed and I had a huge smile on my face! I was so proud of myself! So fearless and confident!
This is the version of me that I’ve been looking for for so long, and I think is finally back in my life again. Between the breakup with Frank this year and whatever it was that I had with Mark, I felt myself beaten down somehow. But then I pulled myself back up. I’m not exactly sure how it happened, but I’m so grateful for it. I feel as though I am finally seeing myself through clear eyes—feeling strong, and smart, and beautiful. I never want to lose this.
Shortly after arriving at work, I got a text from my subway stranger. We continued to text throughout the day. I found out that his name is Daniel, he works in entertainment (like me!) and lives in LA. He’s in town working on America’s Next Top Model and he’ll be here til the end of December. He found a sublet at an apartment a few blocks from mine. We have a date set up for next week. This could be the PERFECT no-strings superfun little fling that I have been needing! Doesn’t every girl deserve one of those?
And the texts continued through the weekend! I have to hand it to him, Adam really tried his hardest to convince me to come hang out with him this weekend. If it hadn’t been raining so hard on Saturday night, and if I hadn’t gotten drunk/stoned with my brothers that night, I might have considered letting Adam come over.
I’ll keep him waiting.
So, Adam is back in the game.
I’ve seen him several times over the past month, and each time our flirtation heightens. First, I saw him at Jay’s engagement party earlier in the month. We had a lovely conversation, and for the first time since meeting him, felt like there might be something more substantive to him (although he is in Yale Med School, so he can’t completely be a lost cause, right?). The next weekend, I ran into him at my brother’s show up in Connecticut (my youngest brother is a musician). At the end of the night, he leaned in for a kiss, but pulled away because he realized that my mom was standing a few feet away from us. He asked me to spend the night with him in Connecticut, which I of course declined, especially since my mother was there! After that night, we started texting every now and then. I told him to call me if he’s ever back in New York.
Last night, Adam started texting me again. He has several friends playing CMJ shows this weekend, including my youngest brother, who our friend Jay manages. Last night, he did his best to try and get me to go meet him but I already had plans with friends and couldn’t be persuaded away from them. But I have a feeling that I might see him tonight at my brother’s CMJ show, and if that is the case, then I definitely plan on making out with him tonight!! Adam is very old-school movie star handsome, with a very muscular body to match AND is brilliant. Not bad.
