I had high hopes for Halloween. It was supposed to be the night that Jim finally kissed me. Although early on in the evening, it became quite apparent to me that that wasn’t going to happen. Especially when he told me that he promised a friend of his that he would go to a few parties with him, so “if (!) I make it, it’s going to be on the later side.” I was bummed. Later in the night when I had a few drinks in me, I started in with him again, trying to get him to come out to the big party in Brooklyn that I was at. Alas, Halloween was not our night.
I did however meet someone new. His name was Jesse and he was dressed up like Dexter, which I loved. We started talking, and he invited me to share a beer with him, which I did. He was super cute. Told me he works as a chef in Carroll Gardens and lives with his sisters in Kensington. We made out at the end of the night and he took my number before leaving (he had to be up early to cook for the brunch crowd).
And, Adam was back in town. Texting me a bunch at the beginning of the night.
I also ran into FUCKING MARK. He’s no longer just Mark, he’s FUCKING MARK from here on out. He found Lauren at the party and immediately asked her where he could find me (so she says). And, oh yes, he found me. He came over to me to say hi to me as if nothing was wrong and everything was cool between us. I gave him the cold shoulder. He eventually got the hint and skulked off. After everyone left, a bunch of us stayed behind to clean up. I was holding a ladder for our friend Shawna so that she could pop the neon lights back into place, when FUCKING MARK offered to take over for her. In the spirit of the evening I remained, holding the ladder for him as well. We exchanged some pleasantries and afterwards we stepped outside together (I’m not completely clear on WHY this happened, I was sort of drunk at this point). We started talking and I told him that I felt that we needed to talk about what had happened between us. He assured me that we did not. In fact, he flat out refused to talk about it at all, or even to acknowledge that it had happened. I know this is nothing new, and that I’ve been saying this from the beginning, but this boy is so emotionally unhealthy. I don’t know why I continue to try to think otherwise. He’s completely incapable of talking about real things, especially things that involve feelings. He just makes me so mad. It;s not anger so much as it is frustration. It’s hard to watch someone you once cared about self-destruct. I’ve had extensive experience in that department.
Today, I got a text message from FUCKING MARK that read: “Thanks for holding the ladder last night. Nice to see ya. I’m not mad at you. I have no energy for it. See ya around.” This text made me so mad! He continues to play this role of being the good guy, or at least what he thinks a good guy should be. I’m almost positive that he cares more about how everything he does appears to the outside world than the actual people he’s trying to engage with. There’s something so sad about the whole thing, really. Why can’t he just let it die? I DON’T WANT TO TALK TO HIM. I DON’T WANT TO SEE HIM. I DON’T WANT TO THINK ABOUT HIM. I’m not responding to his text. I’m keeping him at blocked status on gchat. And I’m going to start avoiding parties and functions where I think I might run into him. I just want him to disappear completely from my life. He always finds a way to bring me down, and I don’t want to allow him any more opportunities to do so.
