I know I’ve gone MIA again. It’s a combination of working again and spending alot of my free time with Colin (which has become minimal, because of the working again part). I really like Colin—he makes me laugh, he pays attention when I talk, and he makes me feel a total comfort/serenity when we are together. BUT I’m not totally sure that I feel like we’re actually getting anywhere with this.
We’ve sort of settled in nicely on this middle ground where all we talk about is work and general fluff. It’s easy to be in this place; it’s safe. We’re not totally putting anything on the line, not risking anything. Which is maybe what makes this whole situation so easy and comfortable.
On the one hand, I want to run away from this as fast as I can. I want it to be easy—I want a man who opens up to me, who’s in touch with his feelings and comfortable with who he is as a whole person. I think Colin works too much. I think it’s strange that he has very few books and pictures in his apartment. There’s nothing in his home that screams “THIS IS WHO I AM!” And this worries me. I’ve spent so much of my adult life giving myself over to men who have just sucked the energy out of me, who have needed me to swoop in and lend them a life. I can’t do that anymore. I’m done being that girl.
But on the other hand, I feel really, really good when I am with him. I feel respected by him. And supported by him. Those things are very important to me. Things that I haven’t felt in a long time, if ever. I recognize that I am scared—mostly of getting hurt again, of putting too much of myself on the line again, of losing this person that I’ve become and LOVE so much now. And so I want to run. But I also recognize that I haven’t been great about asking him questions, or about offering up so much of myself either.
The one thing that I am totally sure of, however, is that I want to be in love again. I want someone to seduce me. I want romance! I want excitement! I want to feel like the man I am with is so in love with me it makes him sick to think about life without me! Do these things actually exist? I don’t know. I sure hope so.
